Friday, November 20, 2009

Frustrations of fatherhood

(I have been asked by an organization who produces materials, books and magazines for Single Parents to submit posts I have written on what it is like to be a single father. After not much thought because I am quite busy right now, I chose one that may turn some people off. It is one that deals with the frustrations of raising little girls on my own. I love them more than anything, but damn do they drive me nuts.)

I remember being a kid and seeing a commercial with a woman having a rough day with her children. Her only escape was running to her bathroom, drawing a hot bath, and slipping deep inside with a smile spread across her face.

I never got that commercial. What could be so hard about spending the day with your children? You wanted them, didn't you?

Some 30 years and four daughters later, I get it. I get every fucking bit of it.

Kids are nuts and aren't satisfied until you are, too. Do they ever slow down and shut up for two seconds? If I wasn't the one who fed them every meal and snack, I'd wonder what the hell they ate to give them all that energy.

The energizer bunny has got nothing on my kids.

For those who want to offer me advise on how to control my kids or what activities would keep them better occupied without my constant attention, kiss off. I have tried them and they don't work.

Not with these girls. No, they can't seem to do anything without including me or allowing me to do anything without including them. What the hell do they do when I am work? Walk around the house all day calling, "Dad? Dad? Dad?"

They really are pathetic little things. In the four years of being a single father who has his kids fifty percent of the time, I think I can count four or five times that I have gone to the bathroom without one of them walking in and sitting down to have a conversation with me.

It really is a big joke to them. They seem to get so much pleasure out of watching me get so flustered by their actions.

"Dad, your funny. You always make me laugh," said to me today as I threw my hands up in disgust after the four-year spilled her cup of milk for the fourth time at one sitting.

"Yea, Dad," the oldest one piped in. "My teacher always says don't cry over spilled milk."

Alright, that was funny. We all laughed for a few minutes as I wiped up the mess. Again.

But, it was short-lived. They were right back to causing havoc within minutes.

Like I said, I now know what that old commercial was all about. I totally get it.

So, to the Calgon people and their commercials of women jumping into bath tubs, I challenge you to make a commercial for me. Something that includes a keg of beer, endless amount of pizza, big breasted women that don't talk, and a television that doesn't play Disney movies.

Oh, and no kids.

(For those who haven't read my blog, I love my kids more than anything, so forget about leaving me a comment about how lucky I am to have four beautiful girls. I know how lucky I am, so shut the hell up!)


  1. Finally, a man who gets it.
    Sometimes Monday morning isn't so bad, is it?

  2. Yes and that is why mommy likes red wine!! The calgon thing did not work for me! I was allergic to the damn thing. What is it with kids when parents go to the bathroom? When my kids were little they always stood outside the bathroom door and asked "mom whatcha doin?" and I would answer "worshipping satan!" and they would usually walk away.

  3. Years ago, Janeane Garafalo did bit in her stand up routine that made fun of her mother for using the bathroom with the door open and trying to hold conversations at the same time. Janeane was brutal about it. I used to laugh--dumb moms and how they never close the door!

    Now, I know.

    Our children have systematically made it impossible to even crap in peace.

    Dear Janeane: IT IS YOUR FAULT.

  4. I don't even have kids yet, and I totally get it. Your entry reminded me so much of what I go through when I am teaching...can't get through the instructions without at least 10 of them asking questions or interrupting or having to tell me something, after I have specifically and explicitly told them numerous times that they need to stop talking and wait until after I am finished giving instructions. Teaching has made me reconsider having children...I mean, at least with teaching, they leave at the end of the day. Then again, my own kids would be taught some basic manners that those kids were obviously not I don't know. But yeah, I can understand where you are coming from, in some sense anyway. Their energy capacity is astounding! Good luck with that keg-big breasted woman thing :D

  5. You crack me up...and yes, we do know how much you love your daughters!

  6. Amen and I only have 1. As you ssaid, I only get to use the restroom alone when I am at work. What is up with that?
    Like Tammy sai, thank God for Mondays. :)

  7. You know, I read your blog and don't feel quite as bad with my 6 kids. (4 boys 2 girls all under 8) You sure can make a Mom laugh!!! I admire you for taking on the "joint custody" role. My ex wanted no part (I have a 12 year old in AZ). However, I do make a point of locking my bathroom door. That is my only private time....only my husband is alound in there with me!!!