Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New titles

You ever wake up in a bad mood and it never leaves you? Well, maybe not a bad mood, but everything you see or hear promotes sarcasm and cynicism.

That was me today. I actually found it quite funny and pleasurable.

At least it was for me. I am sure there were plenty of people who were glad to hear the last bell ring and see me leave school for the day.

Throughout the day, sarcasm was oozing out of my mouth like a leaky faucet that couldn't be fixed. To save face with co-workers and students who were on the other end of my jabs, I'd rather discuss how this mood affected me when I got home.

Sitting on the couch and flipping through the movie channels, I began to attack movies and the titles that they had. I hate when you tune into a movie and find that the title really doesn't give a you a fair indication of what you are about to watch.

Uncontrollably, I found myself renaming movie after movie to better fit what it was really about. Here are a few examples:

Home Alone - Not a bad title, but would have been better as Home Alone: We left him on Purpose. If you had a son likes this, would you take him on a plane all the way to Europe? I hate everything about Malcaulay Culkin and never found him to be the cute kid he was portrayed as in his movies. I was rooting for Daniel Snyder and Joe Pesci through out the movie.

The only MC movie I enjoyed was Good Son, naturally because he died in the movie. The only change that would have made the movie better was if the last scene where he fell to his death from a cliff was moved to the first scene.

Grease - I understand that they were a bunch of Greasers who like to work on cars. However, wouldn't this title be better? What I had to go through to sleep with a Blonde Prude. A little long, but it fits. Hiding feelings from friends, trying to earn a varsity letter, and drag racing in the Los Angeles River seemed like a little too much work just to bag Olivia Newton John.

If John Travolta liked Stockard Channing's character, the movie would have been over in five minutes. Instead of Summer Nights as the catchy song in the beginning of the movie, we would have had Easy Nights with a chorus something like this:

It so damn Easy,
Being with a girl who is easy
Easy loving, Easy loving, Easy loving
Loving me some easy, easy nights

Star Wars - This might be the best series of movies ever made. I can't help but think that Mr. Lucas might have missed one more movie for it, though. Maury Povich Heads to Space. Maury could have ended any controversy over whether or not Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia's father. Can you imagine the tension and build-up leading up to Maury proclaiming, "Darth Vader, you are their father!"

I would have paid to see it.

Juno - Absolutely loved this movie... but could be more helpful to teen girls if it was called Here is what Happens when you Sleep with a Cross Country Runner. Sleep with a football player and you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. They are likely sterile due to steroid use.

The Sun Also Rises - An oldie, but a goodie. Title is not bad, just needs a little tweaking. How about, The Sun Also Rise, but his Penis Doesn't. I know a lot people who have read this book or watched the movie and wondered why Jake and Brett don't just hook up. This would clear up any confusion.

Step Brothers - I love Will Ferrell, but if you have seen this, you have to agree that it should just be Dumb and Dumber: The Dumbest! While it is sprinkled with some entertaining moments, most of the movie is spent wondering can there really be two people more stupid than these two? Should just be a sequel to the next movie.

Dumb and Dumber - Wait a minute... this actually works. However, which one is Dumb, and who is Dumber?

What do you think? Have any that you can think of that work? Would love to see them if you do.

I actually found this quite enjoyable and allowed me to save my daughters from the wrath of my tongue.


  1. If you were a woman I would call it pms and say renaming movies was a good distraction. In fact, I might have to try it myself sometime! :)

  2. I love your blog! You remind me of my husband who 1.) is a coach/teacher 2.) is the only man in a houseful of girls and 3.) uses sarcasm as a weapon to protect his sanity as he deals with the daily job of teaching middle schoolers.
    Your girls are beautiful! :)

  3. You dared attack my beloved Grease (even though you are so right and I always thought Rizzo was so much more interesting than Sandy) but I forgive you because I giggled and snorted my way through this post.

    How's that for a run-on sentence, huh??

    Welcome to the world of blog, fellow newbie. :)

  4. I like that topic...How about these..

    American Pie..."Porky's 20 Years later"

    Rocky II...."Rocky I with a Scooby Doo Ending"

    Rocky III..."Rocky T"

    Rocky IV..."Rocky Takes Advantage of the Cold War While He Can"

    Rocky V...."Rocky Phones One In"

    Rocky VI..."Dude, Enough Is Enough"

    Two By Sea...Give us Your Money and In Exchange We'll Kick You in the Nuts.

  5. Love the Star Wars one... where did you come up with this??? And Grease? I'll be singing Easy Nights all night. Great post.

  6. Love the new movie titles. Why didn't they think of them, after all, they are better! :) My son loves Dumb and Dumber, but obviously it was in poor taste to let him watch it. I heard him yelling at the TV something about bastard and Nicolas yesterday. Oops. :)

  7. LOL, those are perfect! You know what was on yesterday? Parenthood, and I think the title sums it up perfectly-- no other movie has hit the nail on the head the same way. :)

  8. I draw the line at Grease. I agree it was a dumb title. I think you owe an apology to Sandy the Prude. I liked Sandy the Prude better than Sandy the (I'll let you fill in your descriptive word of choice). When it came out, I was in Grade 5 and I wore my nightie and my headband just like her!

  9. Thanks for stopping by my blog so I got a chance to laugh along with the other readers of this post, Coach Dad. Now, I didn't mind your sarcasm with most of the titles...but better not mess with Mamma Mia!
    It looks like you'll have a lot of fun being a blogger ;-]

    Annie at the Transplantable Rose