Wednesday, March 4, 2009

One of my favorites

(Since my computer is still down and I have received emails asking for posts, I decided to rerun the fourth post I wrote. Not too many people were reading me back then. I hope to be back soon.)

I fucked up yesterday. I really don't know how else to describe it. I just fucked up.

I am sorry about cussing... but I am pretty fired up. I am around high school kids all the time and I really have to control the language. Right now, though, there's no controlling it.

Before I get into what I did, let me give some background information that pertains to what happened.

Three years ago, I started dating the most beautiful woman in the world. I really don't know how it happened or what she was thinking at the time. Really... I mean if you saw a picture of her and me, you'd be wondering the same thing. Pretty fucking cool, huh?

Before we started dating, we talked about books and what we each like to read. I was a classical book fan, meaning I was reading the Hemingway's, Harper Lee's, Steinbeck's and anyone else that I heard won an award or two. I thought it broadened my mind and made me cool if I read them.

She, on the other hand, was into fantasy, sci-fi, vampire and a whole bunch of other shit that I never even fathomed of reading. I couldn't even imagine why someone would want to read that stuff. I mean, we did grow up, didn't we?

We traded books from our own collection and promised each other we would actually read them. She gave me Marta Randall's A Sword for Winter and I gave her Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms.

I actually read it. I really liked this woman and anything to help in my pursuit of getting her to bed... I was going to do it.

A funny and unexpected thing happened while reading this book... I fell in love with fantasy writing. The only other fantasy writing stuff I read before was the letters in Penthouse, and there was no cleanup needed after reading this genre.

It was incredible. It brought me into whole new world that I never knew existed. I wanted and needed more.

She then proclaimed me ready to move up a notch and tackle a series, not just one book. She gave me George RR Martin's series Fire and Ice and I dug in and started reading.

And I read and I read and I read. I finished four books of more than 1,000 pages each in four weeks. I couldn't help myself. It was the most beautiful, and yet, kick ass story you can imagine. I still get goosebumps down the back of my neck thinking about it.

But after the fourth book, I asked her for the fifth book. That's when she broke the news to me that he has yet to finish his next installment in the series. I was crushed beyond belief. And pissed off to boot.

What the hell was I going to do now? I had jumped into this series face first and it taken over all my thoughts throughout the day. Now, I had to wait for him to finish the next book?

Three years later and I am still waiting.

I routinely go onto his website looking for updates on the book only to find that he has been working on other projects, blogging about the NFL season, and traveling with his wife. He even writes a blog entry about HBO turning the series into weekly TV show.

How the fuck are they going to do that? He hasn't finished it!

Well, when it comes to books, I am not one to sit back and not do anything. After reading the book Friday Night Lights which a sports writer follows a high school football team from Texas, I called Boobie Miles to find out how he was recovering from a knee injury he suffered during the season featured in the book.

I don't remembered how I got the number, but I did and called him. We talked and he told me his football days are over and that he was still trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life. I wished him luck and thanked him for taking my call and we hung up.

Today, I thought I'd try calling Mr. Martin so we can discuss his lack of writing these days. His site told me he lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico and I began calling information.

Damn it if I didn't find a George R. Martin and I now had a number.

This is where the "I fucked up yesterday" comes in. I was pretty nervous about calling and may not get exactly what I said right, but this should give you a good idea of what happened and what was going through my head as I called over and over again...
Ring, ring, ring, ring...answer machine.

"Thank you for calling the Martins. We are not available right now. Please leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible. Beeeeeeeep."

Yea, George, uhhhhhmmm... I am a huge fan... I can't believe I am talking to you, well not you, your answering machine. Shit, this awesome. Hey, how come you don't have something cool on your machine? Like, I am up on the Wall right now on lookout... Winter Is Coming. I'll call you back when I can. Now, that would be cool as shit. But, anyways, I am calling about your fifth book, when is it...Beeeeeeep.

Shit, I didn't even get to ask about the book. Relax this time. He is just a person... you can talk to him. Ok, calling again...

Ring, ring, ring, ring...answer machine.

"Thank you for calling the Martins. We are not available right now. Please leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible. Beeeeeeeep."

Hey George, it's me again. But, what I was going to ask is, uhhhhm, this is fucking awesome. But anyways, when is your next book coming out? I and I am sure many others are waiting. Your shit is soooo fucking good, but I can't wait much longer. I mean, your picture on your website looks like your old and shit. What the hell am I going to do if you.... beeeeeeeep.

Oh shit, that didn't go well. I don't want him to think I am stalker or a fucking nut. I have to call back...

Ring, ring, ring, ring...answer machine.

"Thank you for calling the Martins. We are not available right now. Please leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible. Beeeeeeeep."

Yea, uhhhhmm, what I was going to say is what if you die? How will I know what happens then? So, please finish this series. I am real big fan. Thanks and have a good day.

And that was it. What an idiot. I came off as a total dumbass. I can't believe I fucking did that. He'll never finish the book just to spite me.

I was ready to forget about the whole calling Mr. Martin thing when my phone rang. It was him. He was calling me back?? I hate caller ID...should have blocked my calls.


"Hi. This is George Martin. But not the author George Martin. The plumber George Martin. Please don't ever call here again, and I recommend you never try getting a hold of the author. Do you understand, asshole???" Click!

Damn. Who would have guessed there was more than one George Martin in New Mexico?

At least the real George Martin doesn't think I am an asshole.


  1. George the plumber huh? Funny. I can't believe your balls - calling up people - so FFFUUNNNNY! Love it, glad you reposted this.

  2. ....ha...I can't believe you did that what happened to the girl with the books?

  3. That was great! I can't stop laughing. Ah, yeah, you probably shouldn't try to find famous people. I do understand what you mean when you're desperate for a new book in a series to come out. It seems like it will never happen.
    I hope the author finally puts out the book for you so you can move on.

  4. This was another of my favorites. It's actually the only one that kind of explains who the most beautiful woman in the world is.

  5. Now, I must officially hate you. I am one of those people that gets addicted to series of books. As soon as you started with this series being awesome, reading the first few, I was already writing down the name and author so I could go pick it up. I am an avid reader and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to get into a series of books so that the story can just go on and on... and I am in need of somethign new to read right now. and now... {sigh} I am starting out disappointed. You have failed me, coach.

    But a man who reads something besides sports illustrated and penthouse is kinda sexy ;-)

  6. I just want to know if she ended up sleeping with you.

  7. I needed a good laugh.

    I have to shoot a college bb game tonight! Think of me.

  8. Don't you wish you could hit re-record on those things? Hilarious. And what Vanessa said.

  9. So here's the question--are you still with her? I remember this post and wondered that at the time too.

    Hope your computer gets fixed soon. :)

  10. Geez, that's funny!! I may see if I can get T.O. Owens number and ask him what team he's gonna fuck up this time. :)

    Love the post, Coach!


  11. Haha, I remember this one. It still makes me giggle.

  12. Great post!

    I don't read. last book was a 250 pager and it took me over a year...and I loved the book. just can't do it.

    The message thing killed me LOL

  13. Yeah...I'm with Vanessa and Janet...
    Did you ever get "lucky?"

    And are you still with the most beautiful girl in the world?

    Come on...share!!!!

  14. you are awesome for not having any shame not to share this awesome story!