OK, so I am back. Been awhile. Too long in fact.
Maybe not long enough for some of you. But, here I am.
It has been quite a month to say the least. Had a birthday, buried a friend, celebrated Easter with my girls, spent too many nights singing Kareoke in a local bar, got a new roommate, and had the best conversation with my Mom in the last 20 years.
To say the least, the conversation with my Mom was the highlight.
Ironically, it didn't start off all that great. In fact, after hearing the first thing she said, I thought our relationship was doomed.
"Brett, I read your entire blog."
After that, there was silence. I was speechless and she was waiting for me to say something.
There have been a few times where I referred to my Mother in posts where I talked about her drinking problems, wrote about her driving our family car into a Winchell's Donuts, and even mentioned her failed relationships with men since the divorce with my father. The purpose of doing this was not to hurt her, rather, I did it because her struggles were a part of me.
I have said in the past that my blog is essentially me looking in a mirror. What I see is what I write.
However, when I write something that puts a loved ones business out for anyone to read, I should have considered how they would feel about it. That's what was going through my mind while thinking of what to say to her.
"Are you OK? I mean, I know I wrote some things you probably didn't like reading."
"No, it wasn't easy reading some of the things on there. But, that was me. I am just sorry, Brett."
Hearing my Mom tell me she was sorry was hard to take. I have never looked for an appolgy from her. She's my Mom. The only Mom I had and the only Mom I will ever have.
More importantly, the only Mom I could ever want.
While she had her faults, there were things about her that I absolutely loved and adored.
Whenever I had a problem or was in some sort of trouble, she was always the one I ran to. She was human and had gone through shit and I knew she would listen and not judge or ridicule me.
She was the one I told when I got drunk for the first time, when I lost my virginity, and ran to after all my failed relationships. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to go to.
I could always count on her for that. If my girls feel that way about me in 20 years, I'll be a happy father.
It was finally time to tell her.
"Mom, listen. Whatever problems or mistakes I have had or made, are all me. I'd like to be able blame you, but it would be a lie. You need to let go of the past, and know that I love you and am so grateful for you."
"Thank you, Brett."
"No, thank you Mom."
We talked for another 20 minutes and we agreed to find a way to get her out to California to spend a week with my girls and I. It's finally time for my daughters to meet the great Mother I have.
Crisis of Confidence?
6 days ago