Room for rent

I am considering sending an email out to all employees on my campus. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Tell me what you think.

Dear fellow staff members,

I am looking for a roommate to join me in the house of horrors... I mean, house of fun. Requirements are you must be willing to live with one 37-year-old male who resides permanently on the couch in front of the big screen, a 50-year-old woman who bakes endlessly to stop from going insane, two 19-year-old girls who continually are shuffling in and out enough teenagers to fill up of one of our classrooms, four beautiful girls under 10 who are constantly looking for adults to give make-overs, three dogs that think they are cats, and four cats that are intelligent enough to stay out of the house. Other requirements are, but not limited to, being able to handle my dirty laundry always residing on the floor next to the washing machine and my clean clothes resting on top of the dryer, me cooking spaghetti every day as it is the only meal my children enjoy, Spongebob always playing in the background, my goatee trimmings in the bathroom sink, toilet paper that has only one sheet left at all times, a toilet seat always up, an empty refrigerator, barbie dolls taking naps on every step of the stairway, weekend wake up calls at 6 a.m. from a 4-year-old screaming at her father to make breakfast, the only quiet moment in the house being at 2:34 a.m., and the thermostat on the heater glued at 58 degrees. So, if you are about to be kicked to the street by your wife, or simply want to go some where that will make you feel better about your own life, email me back. Oh, I need a first month and a deposit ASAP.

Sincerely,

Your Football Coach

Think I will get any takers?