Sunday, February 22, 2009

Calgon for men

I remember being a kid and seeing a commercial with a woman having a rough day with her children. Her only escape was running to her bathroom, drawing a hot bath, and slipping deep inside with a smile spread across her face.

I never got that commercial. What could be so hard about spending the day with your children? You wanted them, didn't you?

Some 30 years and four daughters later, I get it. I get every fucking bit of it.

Kids are nuts and aren't satisfied until you are, too. Do they ever slow down and shut up for two seconds? If I wasn't the one who fed them every meal and snack, I'd wonder what the hell they ate to give them all that energy.

The energizer bunny has got nothing on my kids.

For those who want to offer me advise on how to control my kids or what activities would keep them better occupied without my constant attention, kiss off. I have tried them and they don't work.

Not with these girls. No, they can't seem to do anything without including me or allowing me to do anything without including them. What the hell do they do when I am work? Walk around the house all day calling, "Dad? Dad? Dad?"

They really are pathetic little things. In the four years of being a single father who has his kids as much if not more than their mother, I think I can count four or five times that I have gone to the bathroom without one of them walking in and sitting down to have a conversation with me.

It really is a big joke to them. They seem to get so much pleasure out of watching me get so flustered by their actions.

"Dad, your funny. You always make me laugh," said to me today as I threw my hands up in disgust after the four-year spilled her cup of milk for the fourth time at one sitting.

"Yea, Dad," the oldest one piped in. "My teacher always says don't cry over spilled milk."

Alright, that was funny. We all laughed for a few minutes as I wiped up the mess. Again.

But, it was short-lived. They were right back to causing havoc within minutes.

Like I said, I now know what that old commercial was all about. I totally get it.

So, to the Calgon people and their commercials of women jumping into bath tubs, I challenge you to make a commercial for me. Something that includes a keg of beer, endless amount of pizza, big breasted women that don't talk, and a television that doesn't play Disney movies.

Oh, and no kids.

(For those who haven't read my blog, I love my kids more than anything, so forget about leaving me a comment about how lucky I am to have four beautiful girls. I know how lucky I am, so shut the hell up!)


  1. Don't forget about the fact that whatever you do comes with feedback now as they get older.

    Of course don't forget about some of the favorites: like, they aren't hungry when you are feeding them yet the dishes aren't even cleaned up and they are magically hungry.... or or or

    I get it, I'm with you, and you are not alone! Yet tomorrow you will tighten your boot straps and go out there again, it is what we do and THAT is what makes us good parents.

  2. I'll take that commercial as long as the big breasted woman is me!! Beer, pizza, me with big boobs and TV! SOLD!

  3. Haha and your Google ad totally says "Lonely single parent?" right now! LOL

  4. Thank you! and you are right. Im not pregnant! Thank the lord. Found out for sure today.
    And whenever i get married and decide to have kids...i hope i have beautiful healthy children like you. Your little girls are adorable!!

  5. So laughing... an you and at I... I just did a post on trying to have a bath... then read yours...

  6. Well, I've got nothing for you, but I could use some Calgon, a bottle of wine, a pair of earplugs, and a pound of chocolate.

    Funny stuff, IBF... funny stuff!

  7. Just you wait until they're all dating - Then, I'll bet, your worries really start, Coachdad! : )

    Take care.

  8. Awesome blog....going to have to be a "follower" (I hate that word!!). I follow Irish Gumbo's and I hope that you are as sane as he????
    We have four kiddo's ourselves and are now empty nesters. Thank you Jesus!!
    No seriously, cherish these beauty's and the days that you have with them. Soon they will tkae a nap and wake up to get ready for the Prom. Trust me on this one :)
    Please visit me at my blog when you have a minute or two. Any friend of Crisfield Maryland is a friend of mine. Take good care and.....

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  9. Between poop and puke, many, MANY times a day, we all deserve a good break, REAL break once in a while, although admittedly mine includes a good glass of wine and SILENCE!!!!

  10. I don't think I have peed by myself in almost 8 years. Ever. It is so true, I walk into the bathroom and it is like an all call for the kids or the dogs to come join me for a meaningful conversation or to want to just "keep me company".

    What's up with that? They go in the bathroom and are all "I want privacy!" It sucks to be the mom or the dad sometimes.

  11. I totally get it...I don't have kids, and I totally get it...go get yourself a pizza and a six deserve it :)

  12. I get it. As a stay at home mom, with no family in the area to help out, and a husband who works a lot, I get it! Some days i'm tempted to lock myself in the bathroom just so I can pee alone. But then of course in the 3 minutes I was locked in the bathroom, they would probably paint the tv or lock the cat in the washer... LOL

  13. Oh, I SO know what you are talking about, though my kids are older now. I'll be in MY room and my 13 year old boy will walk in and say "Eww Mom, put some clothes on!" IM IN MY OWN FREAKING ROOM NAKED FROM THE SHOWER WHY DOES HE HAVE TO COME IN RIGHT THAN, is what goes through my mind..AND I have to REMIND him that it's MY room, oy vey, what a mench.. and I don't have a tub for calgon, it doesn't work in the shower.

    Just found your blog from another one I read, your girls are gorgeous! Good luck! Hope to read more of your adventures!

  14. Oh my gosh, totally... totally... totally! I only have the one and he drives be completely batty. The bathroom thing; I used to do that same thing to my Mom and never ever got what her deal was. Why it bothered her so much. Then it happened to me. ARRRgggHHH. It's like he hangs out around the corner, just waiting... stalking me.... waiting.... then, he pounces....

    Little jerks.

  15. Holy Shit...I think you just wrote my life!!

    I don't get why they ALWAYS find you in the bathroom!! I try to tell them I am reading...WTF?

    My kids were out of school last week for "winter break"...OMG, we thought we were going to kill them!! We sighed a HUGE sigh of relief as the bus took them to school this morning. The only bad thing is that they came back home!! They are now out there screaming at each other...poking each other with pencils...and I am hiding away on the computer!!!

  16. Been there, done that, still doing THAT...hehehe heres one idea, invest in a lock for the bathroom door!!!!! I do know the feeling of no privacy I had three boys the two older ones are in college now so its just the younger one but he is like a wart attached to my ass 99% of the time!!!!

  17. You need to get a sippy cup for that girl! :)

    I know just what you mean. :)

  18. You will blink, & then, they will be all grown up!
    Being a parent is the most underrated job in the world. It is so damn hard!

  19. I loved your honesty! Only a parent who really loves their children can be completely honest about the need to sometimes want to run..The love comes in when we don't run!! WE want to sometimes....we dream about it in moments... We fanatise about what we would do...Then ...we stay! Because deep down there is no where else in the world we would rather be!

  20. Man, I understand completely! My 3 are monsters, I can't imagine if I had another one! The amount of energy they have is insane! I never let anyone with boys talk about quiet little girls, they've obviously never had mine at their house!

    I, on the other hand, have taken to locking the bathroom door. There are just some things that one is entitled to privacy for. But don't worry, they pound on the door, "Mom!! MOM!! MOM!!!"


    "Just seeing where you are..."

    Never mind that they watched me walk in... Nice....

  21. I love that you get it. Will you explain it to my husband now?

  22. I pretty much laughed through this entire post. Of course, I can only understand 1/4 of what you deal with....but even still, I'm dying laughing over here.

    :) Love your blog.

  23. If you ever find that perfect Calgon moment, let me know where it is. I am sure my husband would enjoy a room all to himself with beer and big-breasted women. :)

    If all else fails, turn the TV on for the kids, and try Mr. Bubble and a glass of Tang.

  24. I'm pretty sure you should be writing about how lucky you are... None of this crap :) Haha... Just joking :) ... Thinking of you guys. Your blog is such a great link for us to keep in touch. I'm trying to write, but I don't have four girls to inspire me. Just beautiful scenery! Write you soon :)

  25. AMEN to that!! Gosh, I just blogged about the "kid craziness" last Tursday evening... And lately, there must be a full moon, because I swear they are climbing the walls....

  26. *lol* Halarious! I love my kids, too, but yeah... I get it, too! Calgone....take me away! I think I laughed the hardest about big-boobed-no-talk-kinda women! lol! Where on earth are you gonna find a mute woman? haha!

  27. Boy have I had that experience! I don't even bother closing the bathroom door ~ why bother? Why is it that whenever I go into the bathroom, I am accompanied by 2 little girls and, if home, my dh too? Surely there's another room/hallway elsewhere in the house they can occupy? Good grief!