There are some days that I can't stop thinking about a lost friend. It doesn't matter what I am doing, or where I am, he just keeps coming to me.
To be quite honest, I really don't know how I feel about his constant entrance into my mind.
I know what I want to feel when I think about him... that we had a great friendship and great times together. What I get from thinking about him is a depth of sadness that I can't even describe. It is a feeling that I can only compare to when I realized that my last marriage was truly over.
Feelings of sadness of my last divorce are long gone, and replaced by knowing that it was the best thing for my girls and I. I am a much better person and father as a single parent than I ever was while in that relationship.
Which brings me back to my desire of being able to accept that my friend is gone. Maybe, if I can finally let go, I can move on in my own life.
It is something that I have been dealing with for almost 20 years. I am ready to move on and let go if that is even possible. I want to enjoy his visits and stop looking to run from them.
It isn't that he was so young (20), or that stupidity on his part led to his death that bothers me. There are people all over who die young and for stupid reasons. Shit happens. It may not be fair, but that is life and it happens every day.
What I can't seem to overcome is the feeling of why him, and not me? That's a hard thing for me to write, but it is the bottom line.
He always seemed to get the raw deal every where he turned. I, on the other hand, always seemed to have everything handed to me and I always landed on my feet.
Kelby was the life of the party and seemed to always draw people to him. He could make you laugh at any situation and never had a problem of being the butt of a joke. However, it was a mirage of sorts as Kelby dealt with more crap than any young adult and child should ever go through.
It was his battle with adversity that made me feel so much empathy for him. I would have done almost anything to give him just a sprinkle of normalcy that I had.
So, that's it.
I don't understand why he had to have it so hard for so many years. It never seemed right to me that he couldn't just get one break in his life before he died.
I have certainly had my own share of adversity. I have had not one, but two bouts with an illness that could have taken my life. That very fact makes me question why I have been able to overcome obstacles and he wasn't. I am glad I am here and don't wish that I wasn't, I just wish he was too.
While writing this, I am reminded why I started a blog. It wasn't to get awards, or get followers, or meet new people, or to even have other people read my stuff. All of those has been great and I am so appreciative of it.
I started a blog to help me be a better me. I also hoped to get the inside scoop on why I feel the way I do and think about my life. Writing is my vehicle and it has already helped me renew a relationship with my brother.
Now, I hope it can help me start to enjoy a relationship with my friend. I need to finally let go.
And, I need to stop asking why it wasn't me.
Crisis of Confidence?
6 days ago